| The Mother Lode |
For and about Children and Families
POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama, Mommy, Momma, Ma
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team platers needed for challenging permanent work in
an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and able willing to work variable hours,which will include evenings,
weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including
trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far
away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: For the rest of your life, you must be willing to be hated, at least
temporarily, until someone needs $5.00. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Must
possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in
three seconds flat in case the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars
and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and
organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be
indispensable one minute and embarrassed the next. Must handle assembly and product
safety testing of half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always
hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final and complete
accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor
maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is
to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and
updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on
a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them, offering frequent raises and
bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that
college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them
whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually
enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement,
no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities
for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team platers needed for challenging permanent work in
an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and
organizational skills and able willing to work variable hours,which will include evenings,
weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including
trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far
away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: For the rest of your life, you must be willing to be hated, at least
temporarily, until someone needs $5.00. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Must
possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in
three seconds flat in case the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars
and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and
organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be
indispensable one minute and embarrassed the next. Must handle assembly and product
safety testing of half million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Must always
hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final and complete
accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor
maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is
to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and
updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on
a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them, offering frequent raises and
bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that
college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them
whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually
enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement,
no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities
for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.
